My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
