Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
