A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
