So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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