It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
