I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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