Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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