My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
