the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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