On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
