Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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