I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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