At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
