I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
