Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
