I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
