got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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