I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
