Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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