Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
