True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
What changed your mind?
Being sober
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
