take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
no you cant smoke seaweed
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
