you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
