I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
