Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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