Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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