I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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