"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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