When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
