who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's get the cat blown out
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
