Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
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She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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