I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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