When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
