I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
