I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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