Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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