I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
