Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
