Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
