i already hear my dad disowning me
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
