Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
