tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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