I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
