I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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