I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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