Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
