I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
