He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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