he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She's the barista slut.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
