im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
