a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
