This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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