I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
