OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize