I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
