I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
