does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
