I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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