pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
